


Avoidant Personality Disorder

by Sebastanbucky



Series: Mental Illness Series [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avoidant Personality Disorder, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-30 03:21:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20439491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sebastanbucky/pseuds/Sebastanbucky
Summary: He could never explain to Steve the intense panic he feels every time he’s in a social situation. The way he feels like everyone is looking at him, laughing at him, judging him.-----This is part one of a series of one shots portraying different mental illnesses.





	Avoidant Personality Disorder

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own experiences with AvPD so please be kind in the comments.  
Disclaimer: Everyone experiences AvPD differently, so if this is something you struggle with and you can't relate to what happens in this story, it's because we have different experiences:)  
I'll add a couple links at the end if you want to understand AvPD better.

Bucky and Steve are sitting in a conference room at the Avengers compound, and Bucky is just trying to remember how to breath. Some of the Avengers are in the room with them, but Bucky hasn’t looked up from his lap long enough to see anyone. He can hear Tony and Natasha’s voices. He thought he herd Sam earlier, but he’s not sure he’s still in there with them. It sounds like there’s more people in the room, his assassin skills pick up on the movements of several other people.

His breathing is shallow and quick, and he can hear it loudly in his head. He tries to slow his breathing, but this just makes it sound shaky, so he tries to take long deep breaths instead. The more he thinks about his breathing, the worse it gets. It’s making him feel lightheaded. He almost lifts his right hand to cover his eyes but stops himself. He can’t move, can’t do anything that could attract attention to himself.

Everyone thinks Bucky is always quiet is because of his trauma. They know a little of what happened to him, some more than others. But the only person he trusts enough to let his guard down around is Steve, but only when they’re alone. In situations like now, when he’s in a room with other people too he won’t let his guard down even if Steve is sitting right next to him. He doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to let the others in, why he can’t talk to them or look at them when there’s a chance they could meet his eyes.

When he’s alone with Steve he’s usually fine, he has times where he can’t quite remember how to communicate, but most of the time he’s able to participate. But when they’re with other people too, Bucky never goes anywhere without Steve, his mind goes blank. If someone tries to talk to him, he can’t get out a word, or think of what to say, or look at them without feeling like his whole body is vibrating from how fast his heart is beating.

Just for a moment he lifts his eyes to look at Steve, but his eyes don’t meet Steve. At some point while Bucky was focusing on his breathing Steve had moved from his spot in the chair next to Bucky. His heart is picking up speed, and he can feel sweat gathering at his brow. In order to find out where Steve went, he must look around the room, he could make eye contact with any of the other people while doing so. He could attract attention to himself. What if the whole room stops and looks at him and they can see how sweaty he is and how fast he’s breathing and how he’s shaking and the fear in his eyes.

Without giving himself time to think about it, he quickly stands up and walks out the door without looking up from the floor. He feels like he’s about to pass out, but he just keeps walking through the halls and up stairs until he reaches Steves room. It’s more of an apartment than just a room, but to Bucky it feels like a hotel room. It’s too clean, no personality, and it belongs to someone else.

He slips through the door and practically falls to the floor with how dizzy he is now. God, they all probably looked at him when he stormed out of the room, they saw him, they could probably see the anxiety like a bubble around him just screaming _I’m terrified._ He uses both hands to cover his eyes, the room is too big around him, it makes him feel like he’s in an open field, surrounded by eyes, just looking at him.

Why had he let Steve convince him to come in the first place? There was no reason for him to come to the meeting. He doesn’t know any of the other Avengers, barely knows their names, it’s hard to learn names when you’re too afraid to look at anybody. He has no plans to get to know them either, Steve is the only one who’s safe, Steve is the only one who was there before everything went down.

There’s no point in letting anyone in when everyone he’s met in the last seventy years has hurt him, who’s to say they will be different? They probably just let him stay because they felt bad for him, or for Steve, they don’t care about him, they just can’t say no to Steve. They know what he’s done, how can they not judge him, how can they not hate him? He’s an embarrassment to all of them, to Steve.

He jumps when a hand touches his shoulder. He’s in the wrong room, in his hurry he must’ve not paid enough attention and entered the wrong room. One that is identical to Steves, the same jackets hanging in the hall, the same shoes, the same keys on the dresser, but someone elses. He feels himself slip into full panic. He’s in a strangers room, and now the stranger is touching him, toughing his bad shoulder, and they’re seeing him in this state.

No matter how hard he tries, it’s too late to calm down now. He’ wheezing, too fast, too shallow, too hard. Hands gently slide around his wrists and pries his hands away from his face, he keeps his eyes on his knees that are pulled up to his chest, he can’t look at the stranger. He already feels like he’s about to die, if he actually looks at the person sitting in front of him, he’s done for.

There’s a hand running through his hair and he wants to push it away, he can’t let the stranger touch him like that, but he also can’t make himself move. Another hand is wiping at his face with their shirt sleeve, he hadn’t even realized he’s crying. Then there’s a hand on his chest, and another at his lower back grounding him, just like Steve usually does. He wonders of this stranger is the person who taught Steve how to do this.

He puts on his mask of being emotionless as soon as he’s calm enough. The stranger can’t see him like that, so he internalizes the panic. He forces his breathing to calm down and his hands to stop shaking as the panic rages on inside him. The only thing stronger than the panic is the fear of anyone seeing any part of him that is not part of his carefully constructed façade.

“Bucky?” The voice sounds far away, but familiar. The others call him James, they must be very uncomfortable if they use the nickname that is reserved just for Steve in an attempt to calm him down. The hands are removed from their spots, and cup around his jaw instead. His head is being lifted to face the stranger, he closes his eyes tightly, scared of who he’ll see if he opens them. Will he even know the person, has he seen them before or are they a complete stranger?

“Buck, look at me.” There’s something about that voice, so familiar, but so far way. He can’t think of where he’s heard it before, still on the edge of panic. “Hey, it’s just me. Can you open your eyes for me?” He listens to the voice; it sounds like someone he can trusts.

“Steve?” He breathes out, relief washing over him. If it had been anyone but Steve, he would go back into full panic the moment he burst out crying. Steve is okay though, Steve is safe, Steve just pulls him into a hug and strokes his back while Bucky cries.

“What happened?” Steve asks when Bucky has calmed down. “One moment you were fine and the next you leave the room and then I find you here in the middle of a panic attack.” Bucky was never fine, he’s just excellent at hiding his emotions. The more he’s panicking, the calmer he looks on the outside, it’s a skill he perfected in his days of taking care of a sickly Steve.

He opens his mouth to answer, but no words come out. They are stopped by the panic still sitting heavily in his chest. Instead he just shakes his head and buries his head further into Steve’s shoulder. He could never explain to Steve the intense panic he feels every time he’s in a social situation. The way he feels like everyone is looking at him, laughing at him, _judging him. _

How he can’t ever talk to the other Avengers because he’s terrified to let anyone in unless he’s absolutely certain they won’t leave him. It’s overwhelming to even think about leaving Steve’s room on his own. This fear that he can’t explain is isolating him, it has completely taken over his life. But it’s his life, and no matter how hard this life is he will always choose it over being the Winter Soldier.

**Author's Note:**

> https://psychcentral.com/disorders/avoidant-personality-disorder/  
https://youtu.be/HQY6HgES9m0


End file.
